Breaking up is hard to do. Especially if you are breaking up with an abuser. Normal break-up rules do not apply here, so what do you do?
In today’s blog, we’ll be discussing how to break up with an abuser. There is also a video at the end if you prefer to watch that.
If this is the first post you’ve stumbled upon or haven’t read yet, be sure to check them out; they are all listed on the bottom of this post.
Before we begin, I need you to do me a favor. Clear your mind of everything you’ve ever been told, read, or watched, about break ups. Go ahead, flush it out. I can wait…[Jeopardy theme song plays…]. Here’s why: Normal break up rules DO NOT apply to abusers. They are in a completely separate category with a different set of guidelines.
Below are the four steps to breaking up with an abuser. We also have disclaimers following that. Please read it all.
How to Break Up with an Abuser
- Tell someone
If you haven’t already, you need to tell someone you trust about the abuse and your plans to break up. Abusers have a tight grip on you and you will need someone to support you in the decision and help you walk away.
- Tell the abuser you are ending the relationship and why
Make this short and to the point. Do not elaborate. Do not make excuses. Do not give them a chance to guilt you. Say it once and be done.
You can simply say, “I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. You are abusive. I want to break up and never get back together. Please do not attempt to contact me from this point on. ” If you don’t like this layout, feel free to make it fit more of what you want, but remember- short and to the point.
Also, THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE DONE FACE TO FACE. Remember that normal break up rules do not apply here. If for some reason you feel like you need to do it face to face, do it in public and bring someone with you.
- Cut off communication
I don’t care if they text/call you 1,000 times, do not answer the phone. Do not text them back. Do not talk to them. If they go to your school and they try to talk to you, make a guidance counselor or a trusted adult at the school aware of the break up and what is going on.
- Work on getting your life back
Abusers drain you of all happiness. Immediately after the break up, do something that makes you happy. Go to church, go shopping, hang out with a friend, go hiking, play a game. Whatever it is that you used to love to do that they took away from you, do it and remember who you really are.
It may also help to have someone with you all the time. It obviously doesn’t have to be the same person. Maybe a friend to walk you to class and to your car. You could also use your parents after school. This prevents your abuser from being able to get to you alone and guilt you into getting back together.
*video of the post if you dislike reading*
Disclaimers
There is no way I could write a one-size-fits-all plan to breaking up. Every relationship is different and every abuser is different. When I broke up with my abuser, he called maybe twice, sent a few e-mails, and that was it. It was not as bad as I expected.
However, some abusers can show up at your house, threaten your life, and other harmful things.
If at any point you feel in danger for your life CALL 911!!!!!!!! If they threaten to harm you, someone you love, or to kill you, TELL THE POLICE. Life and death is no joking matter.
If they threaten to kill themselves, there is nothing you can do about that. Most of the times if they say this it is just a threat. Tell a guidance counselor and leave it at that. If the abuser does take their life, it is NOT your fault. Their problems have nothing to do with you.
In Closing
Getting out of an abusive relationship is no easy task. It takes a lot of courage. The best thing to do is at the first sign of abuse to leave then. GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. If you stay after the first outburst, chances are you’ll stay for years if not forever.
Here are the links to all of the other posts in this series:
1.The Cycle of Violence
2. Seven Characteristics of an Abuser
3. Quiz: Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
4. How to Break up with an Abuser
5. Healing After Abuse
6. How to avoid an Abuser in the Future
Thank you so much for reading! If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, send them this series! No one should ever have to endure this type of relationship.
Love to all,
-Sarah
P.S. We talk about the Cycle of Violence in our book So, You Think You’re Ready to Date? We also discuss other dating pitfalls to avoid and what a good guy is like :). To learn more, click the graphic below:
